it did explode

Well I was right, I did explode.everything I had and worked for is gone and everything I loved is now damaged because I couldn't control my shit.I thought, stupidly, that icould handel my crazy like every other day of my life.... and im so ashamed of the fact that I couldn't. Its too late now its done its happned and I have no choice but to deal with the fall out. In the end im so fucking scared right now its not funny. On tuesday well twelve hours from now I have my first mandatory meetings with mhmr, and I will at least have some idea what il be able to do, or if I can get the help im hoping for.hopefully im not stuck this way forever, if I am it will just explode again.... stay tuned for my feelings after my meeting with my counseler, yay

seems things dont change

Its been a year and I sit in the same position as always, unhappy with work, life,wife,myself,and my crazy. This seems so odd to me because I used to be happy..... I think. Things have change a new job, I somewhere along the way stopped caring about anything, as far as others feelings twards me. And its been long enough that no one reads this anymore so I feel safe in continuing with it but in the end I think that if I don't change something I will explode. Thank you that is all.

catch up

Beeen working 7 days a week for far to long im tired and now i work seven days a week and am making half the money.....no good, think i decided to go to college, mainly because i dont know why im not going.

thought of the day
"the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now."

my new year res
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
— Henry David Thoreau

I HATE being fucked in the head. im tired of feeling the way that i do and feeling like there is no one to talk to. mainly because there isnt anyone who understands. my mind runs a million miles a minute, my feelings change just as fast. i cant help it. im tired of being so damn angry. im tired of my wife having to deal with it. im tired of her taking the brunt of my anger and hatred towards a world that will never care. im tired of having to tell my self that im ok and that these thoughts are just because im nuts that i dont really want to walk off into the great unknown, then im filled with overwhelming grief because i love her more than anything in the world, and im just horrible to her. i need her want her love her she is all that keeps me moving. i miss her. i miss her touch kiss and all i want is to get her to fall in love with me all over again.to have her look at me the way she used to, to need me to want to be with me. where does that go?any way thats enouph rambeling

Frustrated

Im tired worn out and burnt out. i hate this night schedule i feel like its all i do is work and thats it. the only reason im with this fucking job is security, knowing that the money is there. and thats it. im applying for anything under the fucking sun to get out of this hell and no one is calling back. i could throw papers for a hundred a day and you never pay taxes,work like six hours a day and be done. if my car got ten miles to the gallon and gas were 1.75 id still come home with 2400 a month no taxes....... wtf

live from j hizzy

so here i sit with no sleep, all buzzed on coffee and smokes...... so im sorry for what will probably a run of weird unintelligible rants. first , im sorry my beautiful wife, damn im horny and there are a plethora of extreme hotties in next to nothing running all around this town. with that said....Damn!!!!! second im watching super high me (wich if you have not seen ... please watch) its a bout doug benson who was voted 2nd funniest high comic by high times. who quits smoking or 30 days and drinking, and how his body. then gets high as fuck for thirty days to see what happens..... its fucking great. and i have decided that i hate the legal system... mainly local laws.... mengtar get her car stolen they total it find irrefutable evidence that they did it..... and they get probation, and i dont cut my grass and i end up in jail........ wtf. what the hell is that. also im thinking of trying stand up comedy, but im not sure because that takes writing them... that im not so good at that part. i dont know we will see